It’s been bothering me a little bit as to why I haven’t been able to blog much in recent months. I haven’t had much to say.
I’ve been contemplating and percolating.
I think, that this period of recovery, healing, self-discovery and growth has come to a natural conclusion. I have reached the end of my beginning.
This blog has served its purpose. It allowed me to put my swirling thoughts down and feel like I’ve been heard. It’s allowed me to explore ideas. It’s allowed me to learn to open up and share vulnerabilities and struggles in a relatively ‘safe’ place.
I know that documenting my journey these last 3 or so years has helped me. I know that it has also helped others.
It has not been an easy road.
I’ve learned things about myself that I didn’t particularly like. I’ve learned about parts of my nature and character that had been buried by circumstance over my lifetime. I’ve learned where my boundaries are, and where my guards are. I have hurt people in the process of this learning, and that is something I deeply regret. I have also learned to forgive myself, to be content, to be patient. I have become self-aware.
As well as the pain, I have to say that I’ve had a lot of fun. I’ve managed to grow from being ridiculously incapable of talking to female strangers and rejecting myself on their behalf (to save them the time and effort of doing so themselves) to being able to interact like a normal person. I’ve been on dates that were complete disasters and on dates that were amazing. I’ve learned to cook. I’ve developed an appreciation for wine. I still haven’t managed to get to the snow and learn to snowboard (It’s been 4 years since I defined that as an intention) which is now beyond a frustration and is more of an embarrassment. Maybe this is the year!
I have pretty much removed a lifetime of conditioning around being someone that other people thought I should be and acting as other people thought I should act. Of course, the downside of this is that there are many people who were in my life who now aren’t. There is some regret perhaps, but if they return, they’ll meet someone who is stronger and better for the absence.
So what next for me? There are still areas to work on.
I know that emotionally I keep people at arms-length. Even friends and family. I am aware that I’ve probably done this my entire life. When did I learn that I needed to do this? How did I learn that I needed to do this? What were the reasons?
What do I need to do about it now that I’m aware of it? What can I do about it now that I’m aware of it?
I know that I have ring-fenced my post-marriage life from people that I think would be impacted by it. Most especially my kids. Their well-being is paramount. However, as they’re growing up quickly, it’ll soon be a question of whether I am over-thinking everything to protect kids that have already adjusted to their new reality. They know that they have a Dad that loves them and is as present as he can be. That’s enough isn’t it?
I’m now coming to a place where I can start to map out a longer future vision for me. I have been focussed this year on achieving some specific goals around health, business, and personal finances. I now need to set some specific goals around living, being emotionally unguarded, being even more open and vulnerable. Taking risks with my heart.
I still have personal constraints in place. But what could my life be if I remove them? What kind of person would I be? What kind of person could I be?
These constraints are weakening.
I am nearly free.
This is both exciting and terrifying in equal measure.
So, thank you for reading this and sharing an aspect of my life with me. 40odd is done. However, as I have opinions and stories about pretty much everything on this planet, a new blog shall rise. Of this, I have no doubt.